Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fishy Business and Other Evil Acts



Let’s have it all out in the open from the get go: mea culpa. It’s my fault and given my track record with dead fish (poor, dear Myrtle), you’d think I’d have known better.

What I should have done, once the Dwarf Guarami fish hit an apparent life crisis and began indulging in titchy neon Tetra fishy appetisers, was take immediate action. Particularly once the entire household had witnessed the bullying of Eunice the Angelfish. I did make the call and arranged for the aquarium return of the newly-named ‘Piranha’ (surely a point awarded here for resisting a loo flushing?). Then things got busy.

Before you can hum the theme tune to Jaws, a week had passed and I fooled myself that the bigger Eunice was the fish with karma on her side and as long as everyone had full stomachs, all would be well. A month passed and apart from a couple of minor misdemeanours and Piranha time-out in the corners, everything seemed under control. Let it be know that throughout this month, I brushed aside no less than a zillion kid reminders for fish removal.

Last night I forgot to feed the fish.

This morning I performed an impressive series of distracting manoeuvres whenever a kid ventured within fish tank viewing distance.

This afternoon, after trawling three aquariums, I purchased a spottier, blacker, almost entirely unconvincing Imposter Eunice. No doubt she could have done with an orientation program: a settling in period. But I’d already maxed-out on evil and with a school pick up deadline, in she went without ceremony but with a handful of extra weedy disguise.

My children have an apparent inability to locate an object lying directly beneath their noses and my aim is to keep Imposter Eunice swimming at some speed. All my bets are on this infinitesimally small chance to get away with one impressively dodgy bit of parenting. It’s a theory. There may be a need for a Plan B.


PS. To clarify: Myrtleandeunice the blog is not named after Myrtle and Eunice the angelfish, even if the angelfish came first and everyone (blog and fish) are named after the same two lovely old ladies...

22 comments:

Jo (sparkly green knickers) said...

It's abundantly clear that you're able to spin a yarn or two, so I'm sure you'll have a fine tale to tell the kids should they question Eunice's new appearance!

We had a budgie die last week, I went the honesty approach. Apparently the 3 year old has no concept of death, and has been seen searching the garden for the buried budgie so he can put him back in the cage with his friend. Dear me...

--ginger. said...

I completely support you in this act of evil. We have fish here, and I know I'll have to pull the same one one of these days.

kellyi said...

Oh dear. Poor fishies. I had two fish (Marks and Spencer) and Spencer ate Mark one, two and three. Even though Mark Three was twice his size.

Thus ended my fishy episode.

(Tell the kids that Eunice has been to the fishy hairdresser and got a colour? It would work with mine :)

Madeline said...

You've got the support of this momma in you're act of "dodgy parenting". I used to wish my mom would do that when my sister's fishies kicked the bucket. We had to have full on funerals with obscene quantities of tears for the finned critters...no toilet flushing would do. The best of luck to you!

Nanette said...

Am crying. cant type for laughing.

Tinniegirl said...

Fish are troublesome pets. There's no doubt about it. We periodically had fish who chose to take their own lives for some reason. I've had to step back from the trauma of living with fish.

Hope you succeed in your wickedness!

One Flew Over said...

I'm all for the pasth of least resistance and with kids, this ath is taken OFTEN!

Nikki said...

Swim little fishy.... swim like you've never swum before...
Failing the "keep it moving" approach, I like the hairdresser story.

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

You're plan might just work . But there are a couple of snags . Anything you don't want someone to see is seen and , at some stage , Eunice will die of overexertion . Good luck !

Leonie Guld said...

nemo no good. nemo dead!!! lol I have a friend who was convinced her budgie lived 20 years, she was devastated when she found out as an adult that the average life span was allot shorter!!! nothing like a good magical trick performed by MUM!!

FWOG. A blog. By Fi and Wendy. said...

You're good. Sneaky, but good.

Don't worry T, all will come out in therapy in later years.

And yeah, I find fish a bit hard on the pet front. Mainly because their 'roll over and play dead' is usually of a more permanent variety...

beck said...

Like your work. The kids will never know. If they query you can always hit them with the old "fish colour changes according to the acid levels in the tank' line. Works every time. Good luck xo

Mel said...

Well considering you manage to keep three small children alive I don't think you need to also be responsible for the fish! Pass that buck lady!

Is it appropriate to compliment your photo even though I'm imagining that is a mug shot of the offender?

Peta @ Pippiwillow said...

HIya -This is how my friend does it... After a fish has died, it will be removed without witness and all children advised it has gone to the fish doctor...My friend then takes the kids to the local market (which has a fish stall) and they have to pick out... "Eunice/Myrtle etc" from the tank of many other 'recuperating' fish. Voila' . Peta xo

Nikki Cardigan said...

Evil, clever, smart, dodgy, sensible.... you walk such a fine line!

Umatji said...

Wonderful - are you claiming your fish tank as your creative space for the week?

Loz and Dinny said...

Ah yes, fish. I had two - Tilly and Miles the googly eyed black fish. I didn't seem to have the aqua thumb. I got up to Tilly V and Miles IV before I accepted that fish were obviously not my kindred pet ... I am still traumatised. By the time the kids notice ... just tell them aforementioned fish has put on a little weight and is feeling a little sensitive so sshhhhhhh!

Cute as Buttons said...

Our fish has periodic overnight trips to the vet for a check up...oldest is nearly 6 and still seems to be OK with this story. He could be humouring his parents but I'm not going to ask! Lisa.

Jo James said...

I commend your sneakish ways. Many a fish had been "decorated" while the kidlettes were away. They never questioned Mommy's strange habit of coloring fishes when she got tired of their same old look.
Alas, not so successful when one munchkin tried their own hand at the fish-decorating arts. Sigh. Fish are lame pets anyway. :-p

GUGAW said...

eeek to nasty beasts eating other. there was a nasty day when salt, the dwarf hamster, ate pepper, his brother. mum didn't get to the cage in time to remove the leftovers....so hey at least you spared your little ones that!

Michelle said...

Oh dear. We had a similar incident recently which didn't end so well - my 7 year old found one of our tabbies clutching half of the other tabby. The fish were happily nibbling on the other half.

Sandra @ Pepperberry & Co. said...

Ahahahaha! The vegan in me says poor fishy but the evil child in me says hehehehe!! That's hilarious. But sad. But funny. You're too much!!