Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Writing. It. Down.

Eleven months ago a series of events was set in motion and with it came an undeniable realisation, that being (supposedly) grown up, can be entirely horrible. These issues of the unbloggable kind have cut to the quick. They sit so heavily upon my shoulder, there are times I can walk only in circles.

Such events do not involve a tragedy or the loss of a loved one and indeed, on the surface they appear entirely superfluous: in the grand scheme of things, possibly even frivolous. Yet they do involve another kind of undeniable tragedy and certainly, a great sense of loss. Foundations are rocked when you realise what you have always thought ‘is’ just isn’t. When a great sense of betrayal gives way to a grief that pitches low and constant and is barely perceptible but rises to the surface, in a blink of an eye, with the rawest of howls.

In the last month, I have made a conscious decision to minimise, as much as possible, the emotional cost of these events. I realise how destructive it is, monotonously waiting for communication, much less explanation. Things were beginning to be better, until yesterday. Yesterday those events were presented to me again and I ran in circles and journeyed nowhere and blew up in a great roar of frustration and today I am numb and again my brain only thinks in ‘bland’.

.........................

PS. Please know that everything that is most important is fine. The Mr wrapped me in cotton wool and made much tea and the kids have drawn sympathetic pictures in the form of dinosaurs and hearts and left notes with many exclamation marks (and then apologies in case so many exclamation marks “hurt my eyes”).

PPS. Also cutting through that numb blandness is a realisation that it really does help to write stuff down...

PPPS. ...to the extent that when wandering away from the computer on a coffee quest, I noticed something small and significant and wonderful. Those seeds the kids and I planted way back when? Growing! Not dead! Living!

87 comments:

Bonnie said...

Oh boy oh boy do I ever know that one. Where whatever personal events stop you completely to the point where you can't do anything creative, and those bad feelings sit like a big ol rock in your stomach. You couldn't even craft if you wanted to. So you just sit with those bad feelings. I hate being in that place. *hugs* I truly hope things get better soon, I completely understand.

Cinnamon said...

Ugh. I have reached the "bland" stage a few times in my life, and I honestly would do what ever it took to avoid that place again. You have my sympathy and empathy. In the meantime, just know your blog is hands down one of the best out there and I enjoy every minute of it. Feel better.
Cinnamon

Tanya said...

hugs for you, Tania x

One Flew Over said...

I have noidea what is going on BUT I hope you are alright Tan. Call me if you are in need of a vino or coffee x

Liam's Mummy said...

I'm relieved to see you have your nearest and dearest to support you. I hope the sun shines on you soon.

Michelle said...

Hope everything is back on an even keel soon. Being a grown up can be the pits - somedays you just want to crawl back under the blankets and let someone else worry about it.

flowerpress said...

Dear girl, wish we could all help in some way, I'm sending lots of positive energy your way and hoping that loving little family around you helps compensate for the other.
Gotta love those rocket seeds pushing up through all the muck ;-) That thumb of yours is green after all!

Needled Mom said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and hope growing up can become less painful in the future.

teddybearswednesday said...

oh that horrible bland feeling. Know it well.
I'm so sorry Tania you've had to experience those event and then yesterday re experience them,
sending you all my love, thoughts wishes hugs and sympathy.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoooooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxo
PS if you need ANYTHING an ear, a hug, whatever plase know I'm here, always.
xo

willywagtail said...

So good that you are finding outlets for your hurt. So much better to have many howls than to have compacted hurt growing within oneself and never able to come out. To deal with it now rather than having to deal with it all your life. Cherrie

mrs smith said...

Here's to you, hope, healing and the joy to be found in the small things.
Love to you,

G

Bree said...

If I had more faerie fabric I'd be whipping you up a skirt right now :)
Instead please take my cyber hugs and warmest wishes. I'm glad your man and your little peeps are there with you.

Bree

Trace said...

xxx Not too many "x"s in case they hurt your eyes :)

Claire - Matching Pegs said...

Regardless of what problem is at the heart of your current low feelings, I think it helps to acknowledge that sometimes life is a bit crap, (sometime, more than a bit).

A very uplifting cuppa with a dear friend or two is my recommended prescription. Repeat as often as is necessary, adding sunshine, where possible.

Some lovely yarn, or fabric to fondle may also improve the situation.

Thinking of you...

Lola Nova said...

I am wishing I had one of those clever things to say that is both thoughtful and funny but, I haven't. All I have is good thoughts and metaphorical hugs to send your way. Oh and chicken feathers, lots of chicken feathers... I suppose that would be a story for another day.
xo

Tas said...

Oh honey. Take care of yourself. Wish I was closer to share a cuppa with you. xx

Madeline said...

Oh. My. I'm glad all the really big important life stuff is okay, but still. It's hard when something personal goes so wrong. The resulting awful lump and burden make life particularly difficult. Hugs. Sounds, though, like the husband and littles are doing an excellent job of comforting you.

Anna Bartlett said...

I have no idea what you're talking about either, but if your hubby and kids are looking after you, I'm very glad. Keep the recovery effort going so that when the mojo comes back the body is ready. All the best, blog friend.

Jenny from Ohjoh said...

Sometimes life's "stuff" is crap.
It doesn't even matter what size the stuff is.
I hope your crap stuff is absorbed by nice stuff soon.
Attached to this comment is a really big virtual piece of your favourite cake with extra icing and a chocolate chaser!

Cath @ chunkychooky said...

Faaark!! I never know what to say in this public forum and don't want to offer platitudes or to tell you that everything will be ok because how could I know that? but I do know this: you are bloody awesome and whoever has been a meany poo head is missing out on your awesomeness. glad tea and hearts have helped. sending : whatever you need. xxx
PS and like you have already worked out, cos you are clever like that, you even in the midst of yuk can celebrate the small stuff, and you know I love that. x

beck said...

Gosh, life can be so hard sometimes. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and hoping that this part of your life rushes quickly by & that the hardest bit is over, or will be soon. Like many others I carry some pretty heavy luggage, unbloggable, unthinkable. Like you I have some beautiful people around me who help to change my focus, to keep me safe & loved. Take care honey x

Sandrine said...

Me too...not too sure what you are going through but yesssss go in the garden you will find it helps breathing better.I love your photos , your growing seeds, and your awesomeness!So smile :)
And don't sweat the small stuff!! (great book I am reading at the moment :)) xxoo

Kylie said...

Tania, I am so feeling for you. I second and ditto ditto everything that Cath said. You are so amazing - know that you are getting loads of transcendental tea and sympathy too :) Love the 'hatched' seedlings :) Kx

Brydie said...

Wrap yourself in those cups of tea, those exclamation marks and that growing greenery. They'll carry you through...
xxx

Shannon said...

Crap...I do not like to think of you running in circles; my image of you tends to be more twirling, or spinning arms stretched wide and squealing with delight...but I know not many people might imagine me occassionally curled into a foetal position and rocking numbly either ~ I hope that whatever it is, it too will pass. x

Sue said...

xxx to you

Amanda said...

It completely get where you're coming from. This has been me for the last six months and I too have had to refocus and stop turning things over in my mind, its so self-destructive. Here's to looking forward!

Suse said...

Oh love. I hope it is resolved soon, or that you learn to live with it unresolved.

x

Stomper Girl said...

I think the best thing is the love shown to you by your small nuclear family; the cups of tea and the dinosaur drawings. Whatever that great lurking beast of an issue is out there, your homefire is burning bright and that is the best defense.xx

Leonie @ Cuppa and Cake said...

MWAH....that is all I have to say. xx

Leah said...

here's sending love and hugs your way! hope it gets better soon...x

mel @ loved said...

what to say...thinking of you & so glad you have the comfort of your gorgeous & loving family to help you smile. Take care x

Michelle said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that whatever is happening is happening.I hope that things will be better soon and you'll be back to doily-ing trees and putting moss on rocks and whatever else makes you happy.

jodi said...

Just like your little family wrapped you up, gave you tea and homemade art...all us bloggers would do the same, if we could. It always helps to write it down. take care sweet one x

Squiggly Rainbow said...

It is therapy - I am feeling that at the moment with my Squiggly Sundays. It is confronting to write sometimes, some details become raw again. I hope this pain resolves and goodness comes to you through it. Much love xx
Rach xxx

Anonymous said...

Be blessed - and know that others are thinking of you

Mary said...

If venting is required you know I'm just down the road. Loud music helps too!

Kirsty said...

Lots of love T.

Kenny Rogers holds the key. x

Gaby said...

I don't know what's going on, but as we say in yoga "love and blessings to you." xx

nikkishell said...

I hope it all works out. We're all here for you :)

OohLookBel said...

I hope you realise that writing things down does help. And writing it here on your blog is even better, because it allows us to have a stickybeak on your life while offering tea and sympathy. So, HUGS!

TammyJ said...

No idea what this icky thing is but am sending out cyber hugs to you my lovely, witty, bloggy girl, anyway. Hope you are able to feel lighter about it sometime soon.
My word ver is fluffla that has to make you smile. :)

Fer said...

The 'numb' feeling is the worst, but I'm so glad that you have a husband and family that understand.

Here's hugs to you, just wish I could deliver them in person. ♥ ♥ ♥

**Anne** said...

Thinking of you sweetie. Take good care of you.
Anne xx

Nanette said...

All I can offer you is my personal take on such things..Stay with the emotion and observe it rather than avoid it. It will need to run it's course and the learning, though bloody painful, will make you stronger.

Apologies for sounding completely herbal but this has worked for me. Be gentle with your lovely self.

'jolijou' said...

Oh no how terrible!
I don't know what to say...I totally agree with your ps-ppses and what everyone's else has said and I'm sure if we all lived down your way we'd gang up together with your kids and their exclamation marks and go and throw them at whoever/whatever is giving you a hard time. For the meantime, I can just add some virtual !!!!!!!!!! to the collection to let you know how beautiful you are!!!!! Hang in there gorgeous girl!
Big hugs, tissues and cake,
Andrea

Gina said...

xxx and a squishy hug from Susannah. And now let's think about when to deliver those in person...

A Peppermint Penguin said...

General, all purpose, big, squishy hugs.

Glad your nearest and dearest are looking after you.

look Ma, no exclamation marks

Jodie said...

Being a grown up does totally suck....but the other option might be a bit dull.
if you need help with the swearing/ranting part just give me a call.

Magic Bean said...

Mmm. I am sorry to hear about your nasty turn of events. Life can be shit. And then little joyful seeds spring up and remind you that shit occasionally helps to see the tiny good things. I prescribe tea. And chocolate. And family. Ax

Kate said...

There is a yukky story like that playing itself out in my life right now. My stomach is in knots and I am too terrified to write about it incase it is read.
Big love to you. Revel in that cotton wool and those love hearts, because although the other stuff is disgusting, your family are the truth and they adore you. I think you are pretty awesome too. xx

Magic Bean said...

I think maybe I shouldn't have used the s**t word. Sorry. Ax

Megan.K. said...

Ah, I think Kirsty is onto something with Kenny Rogers ;) (I still hum that blasted tune on a near-daily basis thanks to you!)

And if Kenny can't fix it, I hope all of this outpouring of bloggy love lets you know how much we all adore you and hold you close to our hearts Tania.


xoxoxo

Catherine said...

thinking of you, and hoping the heaviness lessens xxx

74 Lime Lane said...

saddened to hear something has dented your wonderful spirit so ~ sometimes being a grown-up is horrible and hard

may the sun come out tomorrow! revel in the cotton wool of your family and all these wonderful bloggy friends!

Janet said...

Oh sweetie. Being a grown up does truly suck sometimes.

We have some issues of the unbloggable kind going on too and I alternate between feeling cross and in despair. Or just at a loss as to what to do to move things to a better place. We are also doing the love and family support thing and it really is the best.

I hope that somehow things turn a corner for you and that light begins to appear.

Duyvken said...

Sending you hugs. Not that it helps much but... you know.
xx

Cas said...

Looks like there are a lot of people here who think you are pretty ace. Hope things come to some kind of resolution soon and maybe start to feel better. Thinking of you.

CurlyPops said...

Oh gosh, hope all is OK!

Di said...

My sympathies for the agony and angst. Keeping an eye out for the little, wonderful things is the way to go. I'm big on distractions to help one keep things in perspective. Good luck with it. xx

Lizeylou said...

Whatever it is sounds crap but your Mr and kids sound wonderful - so I hope that you are feeling better soon.

june at noon said...

Feeling "heavy" for you, my friend. Good, though, that you could let out your roar and then maybe the more quiet writing it down. It's good for you. Hugs!

Copper Patch said...

I hope your world rights itself soon. Dare I say could be worse?...watching a show on brothers and sisters who love each other in a very Wrong Town kind of way Eeeew!
Take care Tan,
Ab xx

motherwho said...

Oh bugger, yes it does suck to be grown up sometimes. I hope you manage to sort everything out and there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, glad there are exclamation marks and cotton wool to keep you afloat. Love your blog! All the best, Lucinda.

Nikki said...

Soak up the love, support and the joy of watching the seedlings grow, lovey....the good bits about being a grown-up.

Hope all is well again soon.
xxn

lily said...

Sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment, stay strong and realise that this awfulness can't last forever.......take comfort in your little family and friends, and all those who have left such lovely comments of love and support.....will be thinking of you.

HUGS, lily x

Sara said...

This could not have been written any better: "Foundations are rocked when you realise what you have always thought ‘is’ just isn’t. When a great sense of betrayal gives way to a grief that pitches low and constant and is barely perceptible but rises to the surface, in a blink of an eye, with the rawest of howls."

I wish you peace and calmness and clairty. It will come!

furrybees said...

Sounds bloody awful. Thank god for seedlings and signs that life, in all its greatness, does go on. I too know of the shock of is being isn't and the grief that entails. Best wishes to you and may life treat you more gently soon.

silverpebble said...

You live on the other side of the world. I can't invite you round for a pot of tea and a slice of cheering cake. I would if I could. Go and cuddle the cotton wool wrapper and the draw-ers of dinosaurs and hearts. Eat chocolate. Knit stuff. That's all I can say except that I hope it if not ends, then heals a little, very soon.

Maggie said...

If only it was possible to kiss it and make it all better once we grow up... sending kisses anyway, and hugs, and wondering if I'll ever feel grown up... even though the lines around my eyes are telling me I am...

rachelmp said...

Sending you some more cotton wool. Take care x

chaletgirl said...

You write so beautifully, even in the midst of such anguish. Wishing you lots of kind thoughts and hoping that the pain dulls soon and becomes but a distant memory.

xx

JoeyNomad said...

Hope you are ok! sometimes it's hard to see the light at
the end of the tunnel but it's always there.

Alisa said...

Hiya Tania, sorry to hear things have been a bit blah. Yep sometimes it really sucks being a grown up, thank goodness for the little stuff. Wishing you more and more beautiful little moments.
Huge cyberspace hugs to you. xx

Fran said...

clearly this event has knocked you - glad though that you're being well looked after by those you love and that writing it down has helped if only a wee bit. Very glad too that your creativity (of the doily bombing kind) has remained unscathed. Must say though if I had a doily cloth as gorgeous as that wrapping it around a tree would probably be the last thing I'd do with it!

Melanie Gray Augustin said...

Hugs xxx

yardage girl said...

I hear ya. Living it too, though I am sure a different unbloggable. Kirst is right about Kenny too, but I wish I knew. Nic x

sophie said...

So sorry Tania - so hard being switched on all the time, gets tiring. You are such an immeasurable joy to all who know you, I hope that this time will pass quickly with the least amount of pain.
Big love,
xxx

Carolyn said...

I truly hope things get better soon. Hugs...

Silver MLM

Astrid said...

You're so right that it helps to write it down. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because we can sense our future, much wiser selves reading back over what we've written, and for a moment we can jump ahead into that reader's body, rather than the poor hurting writer's one.

Thinking of you xx

Cute as Buttons said...

Glad the tea and cotton wool are plentiful and the artworks are soothing to the eye. Big love to you and I hope that seeds keep sprouting, perfect balls of wool roll into your path, you see faces in inanimate things all about the place. Take care Lovely! Lisa x

SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Seedlings and hugs , a loving and loved family ..... and time .
We hope you feel better soon and send you a big hug with lots of tiny exclamation marks .

m.e (Cathie) said...

hope those gorgeous smiles and amazing drawings have made you smile even for a moment.
i love that you are getting wrapped in lots of wool, that is what it's all about.

big love to you Mrs T ♥

Linda said...

so sorry to read about your meltdown sweetie I hope you are totally solidified again!!! xx

Cathy {tinniegirl} said...

aah life hey? totally know where you're coming from. i know that you're already putting the pieces back together even as i'm writing this. well at least that's what I'm hoping because i don't want you to be feeling shitty. hugs my friend. c

Sally said...

So well written! You are truly gifted.

I can relate so well to your situation - you could be describing my very own mind.

Take care.

greenolive said...

writing it down does help, so does sharing it too. Don't know the specifics, but I find chocolate and a cup of tea consumed in bed with a bit of knitting at hand often helps me!