Such events do not involve a tragedy or the loss of a loved one and indeed, on the surface they appear entirely superfluous: in the grand scheme of things, possibly even frivolous. Yet they do involve another kind of undeniable tragedy and certainly, a great sense of loss. Foundations are rocked when you realise what you have always thought ‘is’ just isn’t. When a great sense of betrayal gives way to a grief that pitches low and constant and is barely perceptible but rises to the surface, in a blink of an eye, with the rawest of howls.
In the last month, I have made a conscious decision to minimise, as much as possible, the emotional cost of these events. I realise how destructive it is, monotonously waiting for communication, much less explanation. Things were beginning to be better, until yesterday. Yesterday those events were presented to me again and I ran in circles and journeyed nowhere and blew up in a great roar of frustration and today I am numb and again my brain only thinks in ‘bland’.
.........................
PS. Please know that everything that is most important is fine. The Mr wrapped me in cotton wool and made much tea and the kids have drawn sympathetic pictures in the form of dinosaurs and hearts and left notes with many exclamation marks (and then apologies in case so many exclamation marks “hurt my eyes”).
PPS. Also cutting through that numb blandness is a realisation that it really does help to write stuff down...
PPPS. ...to the extent that when wandering away from the computer on a coffee quest, I noticed something small and significant and wonderful. Those seeds the kids and I planted way back when? Growing! Not dead! Living!
87 comments:
Oh boy oh boy do I ever know that one. Where whatever personal events stop you completely to the point where you can't do anything creative, and those bad feelings sit like a big ol rock in your stomach. You couldn't even craft if you wanted to. So you just sit with those bad feelings. I hate being in that place. *hugs* I truly hope things get better soon, I completely understand.
Ugh. I have reached the "bland" stage a few times in my life, and I honestly would do what ever it took to avoid that place again. You have my sympathy and empathy. In the meantime, just know your blog is hands down one of the best out there and I enjoy every minute of it. Feel better.
Cinnamon
hugs for you, Tania x
I have noidea what is going on BUT I hope you are alright Tan. Call me if you are in need of a vino or coffee x
I'm relieved to see you have your nearest and dearest to support you. I hope the sun shines on you soon.
Hope everything is back on an even keel soon. Being a grown up can be the pits - somedays you just want to crawl back under the blankets and let someone else worry about it.
Dear girl, wish we could all help in some way, I'm sending lots of positive energy your way and hoping that loving little family around you helps compensate for the other.
Gotta love those rocket seeds pushing up through all the muck ;-) That thumb of yours is green after all!
Keeping you in my thoughts and hope growing up can become less painful in the future.
oh that horrible bland feeling. Know it well.
I'm so sorry Tania you've had to experience those event and then yesterday re experience them,
sending you all my love, thoughts wishes hugs and sympathy.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoooooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxo
PS if you need ANYTHING an ear, a hug, whatever plase know I'm here, always.
xo
So good that you are finding outlets for your hurt. So much better to have many howls than to have compacted hurt growing within oneself and never able to come out. To deal with it now rather than having to deal with it all your life. Cherrie
Here's to you, hope, healing and the joy to be found in the small things.
Love to you,
G
If I had more faerie fabric I'd be whipping you up a skirt right now :)
Instead please take my cyber hugs and warmest wishes. I'm glad your man and your little peeps are there with you.
Bree
xxx Not too many "x"s in case they hurt your eyes :)
Regardless of what problem is at the heart of your current low feelings, I think it helps to acknowledge that sometimes life is a bit crap, (sometime, more than a bit).
A very uplifting cuppa with a dear friend or two is my recommended prescription. Repeat as often as is necessary, adding sunshine, where possible.
Some lovely yarn, or fabric to fondle may also improve the situation.
Thinking of you...
I am wishing I had one of those clever things to say that is both thoughtful and funny but, I haven't. All I have is good thoughts and metaphorical hugs to send your way. Oh and chicken feathers, lots of chicken feathers... I suppose that would be a story for another day.
xo
Oh honey. Take care of yourself. Wish I was closer to share a cuppa with you. xx
Oh. My. I'm glad all the really big important life stuff is okay, but still. It's hard when something personal goes so wrong. The resulting awful lump and burden make life particularly difficult. Hugs. Sounds, though, like the husband and littles are doing an excellent job of comforting you.
I have no idea what you're talking about either, but if your hubby and kids are looking after you, I'm very glad. Keep the recovery effort going so that when the mojo comes back the body is ready. All the best, blog friend.
Sometimes life's "stuff" is crap.
It doesn't even matter what size the stuff is.
I hope your crap stuff is absorbed by nice stuff soon.
Attached to this comment is a really big virtual piece of your favourite cake with extra icing and a chocolate chaser!
Faaark!! I never know what to say in this public forum and don't want to offer platitudes or to tell you that everything will be ok because how could I know that? but I do know this: you are bloody awesome and whoever has been a meany poo head is missing out on your awesomeness. glad tea and hearts have helped. sending : whatever you need. xxx
PS and like you have already worked out, cos you are clever like that, you even in the midst of yuk can celebrate the small stuff, and you know I love that. x
Gosh, life can be so hard sometimes. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and hoping that this part of your life rushes quickly by & that the hardest bit is over, or will be soon. Like many others I carry some pretty heavy luggage, unbloggable, unthinkable. Like you I have some beautiful people around me who help to change my focus, to keep me safe & loved. Take care honey x
Me too...not too sure what you are going through but yesssss go in the garden you will find it helps breathing better.I love your photos , your growing seeds, and your awesomeness!So smile :)
And don't sweat the small stuff!! (great book I am reading at the moment :)) xxoo
Tania, I am so feeling for you. I second and ditto ditto everything that Cath said. You are so amazing - know that you are getting loads of transcendental tea and sympathy too :) Love the 'hatched' seedlings :) Kx
Wrap yourself in those cups of tea, those exclamation marks and that growing greenery. They'll carry you through...
xxx
Crap...I do not like to think of you running in circles; my image of you tends to be more twirling, or spinning arms stretched wide and squealing with delight...but I know not many people might imagine me occassionally curled into a foetal position and rocking numbly either ~ I hope that whatever it is, it too will pass. x
xxx to you
It completely get where you're coming from. This has been me for the last six months and I too have had to refocus and stop turning things over in my mind, its so self-destructive. Here's to looking forward!
Oh love. I hope it is resolved soon, or that you learn to live with it unresolved.
x
I think the best thing is the love shown to you by your small nuclear family; the cups of tea and the dinosaur drawings. Whatever that great lurking beast of an issue is out there, your homefire is burning bright and that is the best defense.xx
MWAH....that is all I have to say. xx
here's sending love and hugs your way! hope it gets better soon...x
what to say...thinking of you & so glad you have the comfort of your gorgeous & loving family to help you smile. Take care x
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that whatever is happening is happening.I hope that things will be better soon and you'll be back to doily-ing trees and putting moss on rocks and whatever else makes you happy.
Just like your little family wrapped you up, gave you tea and homemade art...all us bloggers would do the same, if we could. It always helps to write it down. take care sweet one x
It is therapy - I am feeling that at the moment with my Squiggly Sundays. It is confronting to write sometimes, some details become raw again. I hope this pain resolves and goodness comes to you through it. Much love xx
Rach xxx
Be blessed - and know that others are thinking of you
If venting is required you know I'm just down the road. Loud music helps too!
Lots of love T.
Kenny Rogers holds the key. x
I don't know what's going on, but as we say in yoga "love and blessings to you." xx
I hope it all works out. We're all here for you :)
I hope you realise that writing things down does help. And writing it here on your blog is even better, because it allows us to have a stickybeak on your life while offering tea and sympathy. So, HUGS!
No idea what this icky thing is but am sending out cyber hugs to you my lovely, witty, bloggy girl, anyway. Hope you are able to feel lighter about it sometime soon.
My word ver is fluffla that has to make you smile. :)
The 'numb' feeling is the worst, but I'm so glad that you have a husband and family that understand.
Here's hugs to you, just wish I could deliver them in person. ♥ ♥ ♥
Thinking of you sweetie. Take good care of you.
Anne xx
All I can offer you is my personal take on such things..Stay with the emotion and observe it rather than avoid it. It will need to run it's course and the learning, though bloody painful, will make you stronger.
Apologies for sounding completely herbal but this has worked for me. Be gentle with your lovely self.
Oh no how terrible!
I don't know what to say...I totally agree with your ps-ppses and what everyone's else has said and I'm sure if we all lived down your way we'd gang up together with your kids and their exclamation marks and go and throw them at whoever/whatever is giving you a hard time. For the meantime, I can just add some virtual !!!!!!!!!! to the collection to let you know how beautiful you are!!!!! Hang in there gorgeous girl!
Big hugs, tissues and cake,
Andrea
xxx and a squishy hug from Susannah. And now let's think about when to deliver those in person...
General, all purpose, big, squishy hugs.
Glad your nearest and dearest are looking after you.
look Ma, no exclamation marks
Being a grown up does totally suck....but the other option might be a bit dull.
if you need help with the swearing/ranting part just give me a call.
Mmm. I am sorry to hear about your nasty turn of events. Life can be shit. And then little joyful seeds spring up and remind you that shit occasionally helps to see the tiny good things. I prescribe tea. And chocolate. And family. Ax
There is a yukky story like that playing itself out in my life right now. My stomach is in knots and I am too terrified to write about it incase it is read.
Big love to you. Revel in that cotton wool and those love hearts, because although the other stuff is disgusting, your family are the truth and they adore you. I think you are pretty awesome too. xx
I think maybe I shouldn't have used the s**t word. Sorry. Ax
Ah, I think Kirsty is onto something with Kenny Rogers ;) (I still hum that blasted tune on a near-daily basis thanks to you!)
And if Kenny can't fix it, I hope all of this outpouring of bloggy love lets you know how much we all adore you and hold you close to our hearts Tania.
xoxoxo
thinking of you, and hoping the heaviness lessens xxx
saddened to hear something has dented your wonderful spirit so ~ sometimes being a grown-up is horrible and hard
may the sun come out tomorrow! revel in the cotton wool of your family and all these wonderful bloggy friends!
Oh sweetie. Being a grown up does truly suck sometimes.
We have some issues of the unbloggable kind going on too and I alternate between feeling cross and in despair. Or just at a loss as to what to do to move things to a better place. We are also doing the love and family support thing and it really is the best.
I hope that somehow things turn a corner for you and that light begins to appear.
Sending you hugs. Not that it helps much but... you know.
xx
Looks like there are a lot of people here who think you are pretty ace. Hope things come to some kind of resolution soon and maybe start to feel better. Thinking of you.
Oh gosh, hope all is OK!
My sympathies for the agony and angst. Keeping an eye out for the little, wonderful things is the way to go. I'm big on distractions to help one keep things in perspective. Good luck with it. xx
Whatever it is sounds crap but your Mr and kids sound wonderful - so I hope that you are feeling better soon.
Feeling "heavy" for you, my friend. Good, though, that you could let out your roar and then maybe the more quiet writing it down. It's good for you. Hugs!
I hope your world rights itself soon. Dare I say could be worse?...watching a show on brothers and sisters who love each other in a very Wrong Town kind of way Eeeew!
Take care Tan,
Ab xx
Oh bugger, yes it does suck to be grown up sometimes. I hope you manage to sort everything out and there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, glad there are exclamation marks and cotton wool to keep you afloat. Love your blog! All the best, Lucinda.
Soak up the love, support and the joy of watching the seedlings grow, lovey....the good bits about being a grown-up.
Hope all is well again soon.
xxn
Sorry you're having such a tough time at the moment, stay strong and realise that this awfulness can't last forever.......take comfort in your little family and friends, and all those who have left such lovely comments of love and support.....will be thinking of you.
HUGS, lily x
This could not have been written any better: "Foundations are rocked when you realise what you have always thought ‘is’ just isn’t. When a great sense of betrayal gives way to a grief that pitches low and constant and is barely perceptible but rises to the surface, in a blink of an eye, with the rawest of howls."
I wish you peace and calmness and clairty. It will come!
Sounds bloody awful. Thank god for seedlings and signs that life, in all its greatness, does go on. I too know of the shock of is being isn't and the grief that entails. Best wishes to you and may life treat you more gently soon.
You live on the other side of the world. I can't invite you round for a pot of tea and a slice of cheering cake. I would if I could. Go and cuddle the cotton wool wrapper and the draw-ers of dinosaurs and hearts. Eat chocolate. Knit stuff. That's all I can say except that I hope it if not ends, then heals a little, very soon.
If only it was possible to kiss it and make it all better once we grow up... sending kisses anyway, and hugs, and wondering if I'll ever feel grown up... even though the lines around my eyes are telling me I am...
Sending you some more cotton wool. Take care x
You write so beautifully, even in the midst of such anguish. Wishing you lots of kind thoughts and hoping that the pain dulls soon and becomes but a distant memory.
xx
Hope you are ok! sometimes it's hard to see the light at
the end of the tunnel but it's always there.
Hiya Tania, sorry to hear things have been a bit blah. Yep sometimes it really sucks being a grown up, thank goodness for the little stuff. Wishing you more and more beautiful little moments.
Huge cyberspace hugs to you. xx
clearly this event has knocked you - glad though that you're being well looked after by those you love and that writing it down has helped if only a wee bit. Very glad too that your creativity (of the doily bombing kind) has remained unscathed. Must say though if I had a doily cloth as gorgeous as that wrapping it around a tree would probably be the last thing I'd do with it!
Hugs xxx
I hear ya. Living it too, though I am sure a different unbloggable. Kirst is right about Kenny too, but I wish I knew. Nic x
So sorry Tania - so hard being switched on all the time, gets tiring. You are such an immeasurable joy to all who know you, I hope that this time will pass quickly with the least amount of pain.
Big love,
xxx
I truly hope things get better soon. Hugs...
Silver MLM
You're so right that it helps to write it down. Sometimes, I wonder if it's because we can sense our future, much wiser selves reading back over what we've written, and for a moment we can jump ahead into that reader's body, rather than the poor hurting writer's one.
Thinking of you xx
Glad the tea and cotton wool are plentiful and the artworks are soothing to the eye. Big love to you and I hope that seeds keep sprouting, perfect balls of wool roll into your path, you see faces in inanimate things all about the place. Take care Lovely! Lisa x
Seedlings and hugs , a loving and loved family ..... and time .
We hope you feel better soon and send you a big hug with lots of tiny exclamation marks .
hope those gorgeous smiles and amazing drawings have made you smile even for a moment.
i love that you are getting wrapped in lots of wool, that is what it's all about.
big love to you Mrs T ♥
so sorry to read about your meltdown sweetie I hope you are totally solidified again!!! xx
aah life hey? totally know where you're coming from. i know that you're already putting the pieces back together even as i'm writing this. well at least that's what I'm hoping because i don't want you to be feeling shitty. hugs my friend. c
So well written! You are truly gifted.
I can relate so well to your situation - you could be describing my very own mind.
Take care.
writing it down does help, so does sharing it too. Don't know the specifics, but I find chocolate and a cup of tea consumed in bed with a bit of knitting at hand often helps me!
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